Crazy Enough

Honestly, sometimes I think I've gone completely nuts.

Right now, I've got very little income and a half dozen projects that may bring me more money but goodness only knows how long this will take.  Usually businesses take upwards of five years or more to really build to a comfortable means of income.

The real revelation comes when you realize that your stable means of income is now in a horrifically overcrowded job market.  Where once you thought your career choice you would settle on one career, one avenue, one talent or skillset, and that would be your lifetime career.  You would work for 40 years, retire comfortably, and set yourself up for the next generation to take care of you.

That is not the world we live in anymore.  There is no secure job path for the entire course of your working life (with the unfortunate exception of politicians.)  Where once I dreamed of being an artist and writer, but put that aside thinking training for primarily teaching was the best idea, now I see that the artist and writer were actually the better dreams all along.

My arguments when I was younger always ended up with me not wanting to be a starving artist.  Guess what? Today's job market has created starving teachers.  So the once solid job market we had several years ago doesn't exist anymore.  When people at the top of the field can't find work, they trickle down to lower positions they never would have settled for ten years ago just so they can make ends meet.  By the time you get to the newbies at the bottom, they are completely out of luck unless they happen to know someone and can manage to eke out something.

So my takeaway today? Go bold or go home.  Build your career around your skills, and figure out what works even if it isn't traditional.  There are very few avenues for a traditional life like that anymore, so you might as well go for the big win.  If you're going to struggle and not make much money, you might as well be doing the things you are good at and love doing.  Right?

Lance Armstrong's Crucible

Photo from LA Observed

When we were in high school reading plays like The Crucible was always an exercise in exploring the savagery of the past, but apparently the days of using circumstantial evidence to prove someone’s innocence or guilt are far from over.  Like a group of prepubescent tattletales, the USADA gleefully plunked the 1,000 page tome that the USADA plopped in front of the American public as proof that they can and would strip Armstrong of his seven tour titles, and the expectation that their judgment would be final.   The past few days would turn into a wild theater, where the public gets to wallow in self-righteousness, pastors get to blog about Armstrong sewing what he reaps, and the media gets to wag their fingers and shake their heads at the downfall of another hero.

And while the UCI has also decided to turn its back on Armstrong after failing to find proof enough to strip him themselves, they decide to uphold the USADA’s ruling and take all titles away.   While the media continues to chime in about how “damning” the evidence is, and how this proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that Armstrong is guilty, without any of us reading these documents aren't we just falling into some sort of media echo chamber?  Instead we read headlines and listen to soundbites of quoted testimony from teammates who create this image of Armstrong as a moustache-twirling godfather of cycling, tying innocent fellow cyclists to the railroad tracks and injecting them with performance enhancing chemicals to force a win. 

While I do not claim to have read the entirety of what is someone’s obvious grand opus of a document, I did bother to glance over the introduction and then get to the meatier pages surrounding the evidence being lobbed against Armstrong.  By far the most damning evidence is all, and I repeat all, testimony.  Verbal testimony by people who worked with Armstrong and who have admitted to having seen him do something.  Emails are included of calendars where Armstrong (gasp) left off a few dates, likely because he would like to be a human being for a few days without some stranger knocking on his door at 3am with a needle and syringe.  Many of the same people who have testified have admitted to having been given deals to lighten their punishment significantly by helping to tie Armstrong to the stake.

The so-called scientific evidence could easily be picked apart by anyone who has even a courtroom-drama level knowledge of the law.  The report openly admits that much of the testing hadn’t been honed until the past several years, toward the tail end and well after Armstrong’s career was through.  As well, footnotes cite that handling of the samples wasn’t always good, that practices weren’t always consistent, etc.  While medical experts also give testimony throughout, there are constant caveats about testing samples, and no evidence that there was any broad spectrum comparison done across samples from every other competitor in Le Tour.  As you flip through page after page, it becomes less a matter of convincing, and more an exercise in overreaching.  And begs the question, why was the USADA so desperate to take this man down?

The answer may lie more in what they win if the USADA destroys Armstrong’s career.  While it’s not a government entity,  millions of funding for the non-profit come from the office of the drug czar, which in its infancy would field scripts for television shows and reward them with monetary incentives if they changed their programming to a stronger anti-drug message.  With a big win under its belt it not only is guaranteed to continue to get funding to go after more athletes, but can do so partially on the taxpayer’s dime.   What’s perhaps more disturbing then? That the UCI, an international organization, would honor the ruling of the USADA and strip Armstrong of his titles officially.  By doing so, they allow the USADA to prove that they have international power over international sports, which is a rather large overreach.

For every charge of grand conspiracies and huge networks working together, there is an equal charge that must be laid on the USADA for bribing witnesses with softened penalties in exchange for fingering Armstrong.

Even if we give the USADA the benefit of the doubt for what I would consider to be a shaky case at best, and say that Lance Armstrong indeed participated in doping, as did the other people who testified, what next? The problem with laying a case where doping was so ubiquitous and rampant that everyone was doing it, is that if you plan on having even a modicum of fairness, you would have to go back and test and reread the results from every competitor in every tour Lance participated in.

Further, since more and more people have come forward saying that everyone was involved in doping of some sort, wouldn’t that mean that Lance was competing on an even playing field?  And, if you are only going to allow someone who has not doped be on record as a Tour winner, who exactly are you going to find?  Is the next in line going to be carefully examined to make sure he wasn’t a doper as well? And who will fund these intense investigations?  What kind of sport will it become if you have to go back ten or more years and rewrite every victory and can only give it to some schmoe who came in 142^nd in the tour and was the lone representative of the country of Andorra?

When will the nonsense end?

Loving the Imperfections

I know I'm not one to want to turn my blog into a spiritual blog (though a long time ago I used to have a devotional blog where I liked to express spiritual thoughts.)  But, this sentiment is such a powerful one I had to just take a moment and let it sort of soak right through me. It seems such a simple and powerful statement that it had to be shared.

I think there are times in our human relationships where we have to be reminded of our own weakness to really truly understand just how much God loves us.  To be reminded of his infinite and boundless love, and our contrasting finite love.  That in fact the only way to thrive is to accept both our imperfection and his perfection at the same time.

By accepting, I don't mean beating ourselves up either.  We are often our own worst critics, so it's easy to get stuck in that loop of dwelling on all of our negatives, when God knows we are like this and loves us anyway.  In fact, he knew the mistakes we were going to make before we made them, and still loves us.

As much as we would like to be perfectly forgiving, perfectly unflinchingly unaffected by each others idiosyncrasies, it is just not possible.  As much as we would like to immediately achieve true unconditional love, our bodies are hardwired with conditions.  For us, we can only work a lifetime for glimpses and moments of something akin to God's unconditional love.  How perfect is God's love?

Where we look at each other and say, "I love you even though you are xxxx, or have xxxx, or have done...xxxxx."  While that is wonderful, and certainly a good start, God looks at us and says, I love you.  No caveats.  No exceptions.  Just, "I love you."

If only more of the world could be filled with this and less strife.  What a wonderful world that would be.  Until then, we only view it through a glass, darkly.

But what a beautiful glimpse it is, nonetheless.





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It is LML (Love My Life) Monday! Feel free to join the blog hop if you want to share the love.

*FACEPALM*

I know it is a state of human existence to periodically do something that is just completely and utterly horrible by complete and total accident.

Today's *facepalm* is brought to you by:

1) PMS
2) Dyslexia
AND
3) My phone anti-social nature

When these three forces collide, obviously, hell breaks loose.

I, of all people, know how much other people put up with to be friends with me.  I know I can be annoying, and frankly to be in my presence one has to drive because I don't (due to a fear of my dyslexic brain confusing the gas and break pedal--which has happened on more than one occasion.)

So, today is the day after an extremely fabulous day with my good friend who will now be referred to as GF.  So yesterday's soiree luncheon was pinch-me-I-might-be-dreaming cool.  I met some cool Hollywood people and politicians and it was crazy.  Something I never would have dreamed of otherwise.  We are just a great team.  I adore the time we spend together, we work well together and have fun together.  We considered it my big birthday treat, since GF hadn't had a chance to do anything for my 40th with me. Words cannot express how much fun we had.  Once-in-a-lifetime memorable.

That being said, I am not a phone person and GF totally is.  Generally speaking, I basically put up with phones out of necessity.  While others feel very connected by phones I never do.  I often feel kind of burdened by too many phone calls.  But for friends, I suck it up most of the time.  I remind myself that I am at times irritating and annoying, and if phones are the price I pay to keep in touch and foster friendships I do.  I just run out of things to talk about on the phone much, much faster than any of my friends do.

I even have one friendship that takes place *entirely* by phone, and frankly I'm glad he doesn't call more than once or at the most twice per week, because even then I feel at a loss for things to talk about.  In reality I can't handle the lack of visual rhythm and body language.  With speaking in person or videochat I can take rhythms from things that are happening around me and continue conversation with a glance, a breath, art on the walls, or something on a video screen in the bar.  With email, I can bend words to my will and be much more thoughtful, expressive and responsive.

So, when you combine the three facepalm sponsors of the day, what you get is what happened a little while ago.  GF decides to call me.  GF thinks that they are going to get bright, chipper, fun-loving Sara.  Sara has just finished watching a movie and is feeling completely ick in the livingroom with whole family.  Sara feels anti-social. Sara's evil twin is playing the part of her right now. Sara gets GF's phonecall and thinks she's hit the "reject" button to send GF to voicemail for now.

Instead, apparently Dyslexia has caused Sara to send GF to speakerphone.  So then, Sara confesses to family that she has changed the ringtone on her phone to something different to not get sick of her current ringtone, and feels that GF is a co-dependent friend.

Two seconds later, Sara gets text from GF.  "You think I am a co-dependent friend?"

OH. MY. LORD.

When I call to apologize, GF apologizes for being co-dependent.  Apparently GF has been told this before.  And all this the DAY AFTER THE DAY OF AWESOME.  Way to go, Sara. Way. To. Go.

 I feel about this big right now.

While GF has said "no worries" after spending past couple hours groveling, I'm trying to remind myself that we all do really stupid ass things now and then.  That we hurt the people we care about the most often unintentionally.

Other lessons I can learn from this include:

• Make sure friends know your feelings about how you communicate and that it is no reflection on them.  Really, I can cite my family as a source on this one.  
• Make sure you emphasize that it's not them it's totally you.
• Make sure you press the right buttons on your cell phone.
• Try to comfort yourself by knowing that we all really screw up at some point in our relationships.  It's human nature.

But in the meantime, I'll reside in a blog sackcloth and ash for a while.  Don't mind me.

My Chemical Romance

In about 2007, my brother and I were in our apartment when the apartment next door caught on fire.  While all of our neighbors were evacuated, we were not, and ended up trapped in our apartment for a while as smoke billowed in from around the doors.  It was a crazy time for both of us.

I personally don't believe it is a coincidence that after that point I had more allergies, developed bronchitis several times, and became mildly asthmatic.

After that time, I also become increasingly sensitive to chemicals and fragrances, which became an exhausting exercise in trying to remain on top of my sensitivities.  So I cut many fragrances and chemicals out of my life.

I started wearing less makeup, had to ask the family to stop using all Glade air fresheners (totally allergic), and even periodically have problems with fragrances in shampoo.

 I also read No More Dirty Looks a couple years ago, which exposed the vast amount of trace chemicals present in beauty products.  It was enlightening and disturbing.  Sort of like the Food, Inc of the cosmetic world.

After that point I also ended up cutting out hairspray from my life for almost a full year.  I mean none. I couldn't find one that didn't give me issues so I just avoided them all.

Fast forward to today.

I had a small, fancy lunch soiree I wanted to attend, and along with the dress and clothing I knew I needed makeup.  L'oreal finally came out with a mascara that will stay on my face longer than 15 minutes without making me look like I've gotten into a fistfight. I already had other makeup from a prior shindig.  So I gave in and got a long-lasting lipstick and my first hairspray in oh-so-many months.

I have a confession to make--I really like the hairspray.  It creates an even texture, my hair bounces and flows without frizz.  I love it. Not only that, but I gave in and bought a breakage fighting shampoo that just came out.  And it all makes my hair look and feel awesome.

I know, I know.  And trust me.  I've tried all sorts of natural hair care products, and frankly I can't stand the smell of vinegar long enough to be one of those vinegar rinse people.

And the lipstick.  I wasn't super keen on it lasting all day, BUT I also knew I was in fancy land and reapplying lipstick all through lunch wasn't and option.  This stuff was amazing too.  It stayed on all day long.  I would just occasionally reapply a topcoat/balm.  It was great!

So for all of those completely organic people out there who have the cleanest products AND the nicest hair and makeup, I salute you.  Or if you're a showoff, you don't need makeup. I salute you as well.
I'm sorry, but I can't give up all my chemicals.  Some of them I really love.  I promise I still alternate between cleaner products, don't plan on doing the makeup thing every day, and will also promise to not use the hairspray on a daily basis.

I just can't help myself.  I really do like my stuff.  I will just do it a little more mindfully and with more moderation.

Things I Would Tell My Twenty-Year-Old Self

After seeing the absolutely delightful blog from Miss Riki, talking about things she would tell her teenage self, I thought it would be only fitting to have a chat with my twenty-year-old self.

To give a little background, scene opens.  It's 1992, and I am fresh off of taking a couple years at my local community college to find out that I am disillusioned with becoming a fine artist, finding that I would be facing a life of abject poverty as an artist and would have to try to pull a good grade out of an art history course that would have tanked my GPA immediately.  So I dropped the course and the major.

With that in mind, I had spent the prior year just taking general ed courses for the sole purpose of attending school somewhere else.  That somewhere else ended up being a small, church-sponsored bible college out of state.  My thought in this is that I could get a degree in Liberal Arts or possibly English, teach somewhere eventually, and get some social interaction that could eventually lead to acquisition of a husband.

However, October 17th of 1992 I would be embarking on my first semester and life was not a bowl of cherries.  More like the pits.  I had an insufferable roommate who was anal-retentive level tidy, whereas I have always been chaotic.  My moderate dyslexia has made it nearly impossible to consistently lay out a routine for organizing my things, so periodically I will naturally misplace generally every item that is important to me.  I was struggling to fit in within a dorm of very different, rebellious, spoiled girls and the girl that slept in the bed next to mine was as opposite as one could get.

It was depressing.

I also had constant lies and manipulations from a girl who would try at every turn to sour my friendship with her male friend and make me look like a psycho-stalker to try to kill interest amongst any other males on campus.  In other words, it was a social scorched earth campaign.

On top of this I was floundering in my bible classes, under a very oppressive grading system that had been implemented to supposedly inspire us to greater things (because according to the college president we were slackers and didn't deserve to be there--his words.)

Depression, exhaustion, and homesickness were all setting in on this October 17th.

As I step into my wormhole/time machine, I'm taking a stroll and going to find my younger self, sit down in the dining hall, and have a meal.  I am disguised so as not do too much to disrupt the space-time continuum, because otherwise, all I will do is create another parallel universe for myself where I do things drastically differently.  And how will that help, really?

I don't need that much of a disguise. I'm older and much heavier, so I'll don a hat, large semi-dark glasses so as to not be recognized.  I will pose as an upper classmen. As I sit with myself and other student friends, I'll wait until they have left, and ask to chat a few minutes about the experiences here.

As my true identity is revealed to me, I will carefully choose my advice as follows.

1) Enjoy your body.  I know that's a weird thing to say to a total stranger, but really you think you're too heavy now and you're just right.  In fact, you're in pretty darn good shape.  Appreciate this fact and savor it, because the older you get the harder it will be to come back to.  And likely, you will be ready to sell your right arm at my age for the chance to be a size 12/14 again.

And also along that same vein--even though your glasses are a little big and your hair is still frizzy, people fall in love with your hair.  No seriously, they love your hair.  And they won't tell you how much they love your hair until years later when they reveal that they bemoan every time you get a haircut.

Even with short hair you'll look adorable and they don't have to care for your hair, so don't worry about it.  Wear your gorgeous hair with pride.  It'll be beautiful at every length.

2) Enjoy this time in your life. Whenever you look back on this, despite this being a really tough year for you, things are about to get significantly better.  This tragic and pitiful fool that is making your life miserable will soon be departing, so don't let her sully your memories of a beautiful friendship.  And your male friend that you have a crush on, it's perfectly okay.  You'll remain good friends and he won't think you're a psycho despite her best efforts.  In fact, he will encourage you to let the real you be seen more often.

3) Don't be afraid to become the person you're meant to be.  Girl, you are meant to be loud and audacious sometimes. Don't be afraid of that! Flirt, be loud, be funny, and don't be afraid to be yourself even though you are very different from those around you. Really, different is good, and you are making friends right now that will appreciate those differences in every way. Even though some will argue that "She's got a great personality" is a way to say you're not pretty, it actually is a huge complement.  When other people are left with only their looks and a sucky personality, you'll be totally set.  Looks come and go, but a passionate and loving soul lasts forever.

Honestly, one day you will find that you are the life of the party and you won't understand how in the world that happened when in these days you were an outcast.

4) Pay attention to the shy guys.  Some of them will be your friends forever, and some will be there and gone again, but the ones that again have a great personality will be the ones that stick with you always. Not only that, but they will help you make memories that you will treasure always.

In fact, you will long after miss the social life you had at this time, so cherish every date even when it's just a few.  There will come a day when you have a really tough time getting dates and memories will sustain you.  I know...buzzkill right?

5) Being single isn't all bad.  Just know that while marriage has many advantages, and while some stupid people under the guise of helping will try to say that you have to be in a certain place spiritually before God will allow you to marry, it's all poppycock. It's life. Some people are lucky and/or blessed to get married much younger.  Some are not.  They will struggle with relationship issues, dirty diapers, and a host of things that come with being married that you will not.  You will struggle with being lonely and feeling unworthy, but you've dealt with that devil all your life.  So don't worry about it.

If it happens it happens, and if it doesn't it doesn't. We all have our crosses to bear. What's important is to enjoy these moments and these relationships now and not worry about future romances or lack thereof.

But what you should know, is that marriage doesn't equal spiritual superiority by any means.  It means they took a chance on love that panned out, and were smart enough to get legal paperwork to make separation of their property a little easier to legally sort should everything go south.  So don't go kicking yourself around because you aren't married and having kids at the same time everyone else is.  There is no contractual obligation for life to provide you with lifelong love and children, and having none of these things doesn't make you less of a person.  So don't ever let anyone tell you different.  Just find happiness in other endeavors and let the chips fall where they may.

6) Your dreams will change--and that's not a bad thing. Every time you make a career decision that seems like a solid plan, life and circumstance will tell you different.  So your response should be to just go with it.  You will have opportunities come up and things that you never expected to be doing that you will do because it utilizes your skills. In fact, be completely open to utilizing your skills in new and exciting ways.  Don't feel guilty for exploring different means of using your skills.  These can lead to all sorts of possibilities even when life seems to have presented you with all sorts of unexpected dead ends.

As I leave my stunned twenty-year-old self wondering if she should call security on the crackpot 40-year-old that was spinning one hell of a tale, I go back through my distortion in the space-time continuum, and bid my past self adieu, knowing that it is a time that will gladly be left behind but with the knowledge that I gave my past self a little comfort and consolation.

And that future self is perfectly okay with the struggles and rough edges that made her who she is today.

The Element of Surprise

In keeping with my cousin Melissa's blog, and her frequent LML (Love My Life) Monday episodes, today I am keeping positive with the element of surprise.  So I began to think of the ways that surprises have cropped up just in my normal day.

1. I was reminded of my friends who 17 years ago came to me and said they wanted to elope, and wanted me to be a witness.

We were all on religious retreat in Niagara Falls, Canada. My friends were very much in love, and decided that what they really wanted to do was exchange vows and the sooner the better. No one to interfere as she knew family could.  Just people that loved them sharing a beautiful and intimate moment of commitment.

They found a very Irish minister and exchanged vows right there.

It was beautiful! It had been raining and now it was partly cloudy out.  They exchanged vows, and the sun broke through just at the right time in the beautiful botanical gardens.  I borrowed a beautiful dress that served as my bridesmaid's dress from her, and she borrowed a sweater from me. It was a moment and a bond I will always cherish.


2. My friends had their baby today! It came a little early, but their little baby girl was happy to come on her very own schedule.  Not only this, but they were blessed with a beautifully smooth birth of a five pound and ten ounce gorgeous little munchkin. No issues, no hugely long labors.  It was wonderful.

3.  My age.  I turned 40 and I still have a little hiccough saying it.  However, the payoff is when not only do you still get carded, but when a new friend meets you, and your friend tells them how old you are, they think someone is pulling their leg.  No really? Seriously? Sara is 40?  No. Really?

Yeah really. Kind of makes my day that it's that astonishing and that I don't look anywhere close to my real age.

4.  When I surprise someone with my abilities.  I usually mention that I'm an artist, that I like to draw and such but because I'm not one to usually go around bragging about it, it usually gets swept under the rug.  However, as an artist I do look for opportunities in my life to showcase my work.

In this case, I just so happen to be helping out with a film series.  While this next event is more of a research and panel discussion with no film screening, it still is based on the 50th anniversary of the epic film Lawrence of Arabia.  So I decided to contribute some illustrated artwork for it.  Frankly if I had been thinking of it on the last round when Shirley Jones came, I probably would have done something illustrated for the Music Man.  But my work on that happened so quickly that I didn't really have time to think about it.

This time I had been thinking about it since the Music Man, so I prepared an illustration to go on flyers and posters.

I had originally been going for realism, and then my brother pointed out that it would fit better if I gave it a comic book style, so viola!

It came out so good, that my friend and colleague that I was working with asked me who did the illustration.

That would be me.

Actually quite a shock I believe.  He also believes I should attempt a graphic novel, and at some point I may very well do just that.  However, it's such a lengthy process it would take me much more time to do than just writing a novel. But who knows? I obviously have it in me.

So, what surprised you today?

As for me, I'm always looking for the really good surprises and relishing every one.