The Fat Fatwa: Recognizing What's Really Important

I knew that last week was going to be a bad week for weight loss. I didn't lose a single pound.

Why? I was traveling.

People who are living a fit and active lifestyle take advantage of things like on-site fitness centers while they travel. However, I had not done any really intense exercise in a while and knew that while on vacation was NOT the time to start. While maybe someday I can be one of those people who makes sure they hit a treadmill before leaving for the day, right now I am not that person. Right now I am that person who hasn't quite gotten past periods of being tired and ill and injuring too easily. Right now, I have to focus on the larger goal of getting healthier as my first priority.

So what do we do? We sort of toss the dieting aside for a few days when we're down. Really what matters most in such times is getting ones health back before we start trying to toss some pounds aside.

However, this doesn't mean we totally give up. We don't continue to shrug off recording our food, our exercise, and watching what we eat. But there is an inevitability isn't there? We cannot be sticking to our programs rigidly every moment. Sometimes we have to let it go just for a time to get through.

But that doesn't mean we abandon our project altogether. Our lives are too short, too wonderful, and too precious to give up on our goal of self-improvement.

Why am I saying this? Because I had lost a few pounds, gained some back and then stayed there between this week and last. And this is mostly because I was traveling and then sick.

I also say that we must press on, because this week I found out my big loss was of a long ago friend whom I had lost touch with, who succumbed to cancer. He was a year older than me. He was always a vibrant individual, but to know he suffered and died is tragic.

For the living it reminds us of why we are losing weight. Why we are fighting this fight. Why we must not give up.

Because life is too short to waste any precious moments.

Musing About the Muse

Back in the day, when I was feverishly working on the Magnum Opus of my Master's Degree, I covered a very large segment about John Keats.  Like many good poets, he understood the value of Greek and Roman literature and paid homage to the muses.

I used to chuckle to myself at the idea that some magical being would come to a writer, and inspire them to write.  I knew it was likely the influences of drugs or alcohol or other natural or unnatural substances not the divine.

But lately, I've been understanding where they were coming from.

Frankly, I am more like them than I would usually care to admit.

Something has happened at the beginning of this new year.  I am inspired by everything.  My artistic side is busting a move. Today, I spent my Saturday relaxing while I still try to expel the last few dregs of a wretched cold I had a couple weeks ago but that still haunts me.  But the one thing I did not do today, which I have been doing every day for about a week and a half, is draw.  And not just draw, but draw with my new dip pens.

You see, while artists have no specific muse, I believe I might be entertaining a muse in disguise or something.  Maybe she's taking a holiday in California. Maybe it is because I am both a writer and artist? All I know is that not having drawn anything at all today after several days of being on fire has made me jittery tonight.  I feel like I'm going through some sort of addict's withdrawal symptoms just from not having inserted a nib into pen holder, dipped it's perfect tip gently in an ink bottle, and then gliding it across a paper.  But it's late at night and I don't want to do too much before sleep.  So I will merely layout my plan of action for tomorrow.  But I swear, I must work on a little soon or I may go crazy.

The artistic surge is tangible and unavoidable. I feel invigorated and I refuse to back down.

So, my love letter to my muse, my angel, my holy intangible spirit guide whomever you are that is inhabiting my soul, I welcome you.  Please stay.   Your presence is most appreciated and most welcome.   You and I can make the world more beautiful, I know we can!

Proof?  Here:

Work that is coming out of me is blowing myself away.

I feel like I'm on the verge of something amazing.  And that's a really good feeling.

Let my own inner flower unfold!

The Fade Out

Having dated enough people, and being the age that I am, I have become accustomed to having seriously low expectations going into any date.  In fact, meeting anyone even casually I have learned to have really no expectations in the beginning.  Why? Because having too high of hopes has come to mean serial disappointment.

However, having low expectations going into many situations has provided me with many a happy payoff. Example? Going to a cheap movie.  If I have any doubts about a movie's quality, I can merely wait until it hits the discount theater.  Then it's a very low risk proposition.  Most times I'm going to at least enjoy $4 worth of movie and the company of a friend or family member. The only exception would be the steaming pile that was Drive that was so gruesome I couldn't sit through it, at which point my friend of mine and I walked out of the theater.

So frankly, I'm not willing to go all-in unless I feel it is a solid investment. This applies emotionally as well.  The males of the human race have disappointed me so many times, that my expectations are way low.  I do expect you to treat me well, but frankly I don't have much hope of you sticking around. So far you have a really poor track record, guys.

In fact I was introduced to someone over the phone. I have since then had close to two months of phone conversations, where it seemed like our conversation was nice and I might at least get a friend out of the deal, and where a future relationship wasn't totally out of the question due to one or the other of us being married or something.  This was nice! We had much in common including a similar religious background.

Things were putting along nicely. Even for just friendship it was better than other male friendships.

Now two weeks have gone by, and nothing.

Radio silence.

I think I know what this means: the fade out.

One of my grand pet peeves is the fade out.  Except sometimes it's even worse, because it's the drop off the face of the earth.  I had this happen with a pen pal of mine who did send me some sort of cryptic email about not being around much in the future, things were happening, but know what good friends we were.

Um, okay.  I guess it was his way of trying to be polite and say that he had no interest in even being friends with me anymore.  Why? Who the heck knows.  But now I've got a couple years worth of emails, memories of fun phone calls, a handful of nice gifts (that were frankly better than any romantic suitor ever gave me) and me left with more emotional baggage to unpack.

After a while I start to feel like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day living the same date over and over, but getting slapped earlier and earlier.

It starts to make me wish every date, every friendly encounter could be accompanied by the exit survey.  When leaving a job for a major company, everyone has to go through an exit  interview.  Mine could easily read:

What exactly did you find unsatisfying about this relationship?  Check all that apply:

• Talks about movies I don't like.
• Too intense/hardcore
• Is too disorganized.
• Believes Han shot first.
• I'm intimidated by her artistic talent.
• Television tastes don't line up.
• Excessive use of the phrase, "Seriously?"
• Snorts a little when laughing.
• She hasn't read Green Lantern.
• She likes The Big Bang Theory and refers to them as her kindred spirits.
• Hasn't watched Dr. Who.
• Hasn't watched Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
• Loves Firefly.
• I'm intimidated by her intelligence.
• Knows how to build her own computer.
• Knows the definition of the word "defenestration" and has used it in casual conversation.
• Doesn't call me because she claims she doesn't like to talk on the phone much.
• Laughs too much.  Finds me too funny.
• Likes World of Warcraft and Guild Wars 2 a little too much.
• Snores.
• Doesn't drive.
• Likes buttered popcorn flavored Jelly Bellys. 
• Reads too much Harry Potter, Stephen King, or Dean Koontz.
• Watches too much football.
• Likes to analyze things.
• Is klutzy.
• Hasn't fit into a size 8 since she was about 10 years old.
• Lives in California.
• Likes old movie musicals.
• Blogs about everything.
• Wants to write and publish novels.
• Is allergic to Glade air fresheners. I love Glade.  It just wouldn't work.
• Got a girlfriend and didn't want to tell you.
• I'm married and realized you're a good person who wouldn't do anything dastardly.
• Got bored.
• Scared of liking someone.
• Don't even want to be friends with a girl that I wouldn't want to marry.
• Other_________________________________________________________

It would just be nice if I had a clue.  It seems the more time passes in my life, the less able I am to see anything that would remotely tip me off that he's going to disappear.

Future friends/suitors of America listen up: stop it! Either be there or don't be there, but don't just fall off the edge of the earth and call it a fade out.  Better yet, be friends.  Just friends.  Taper off.  At least claim business at work, or craziness at home, or something that is just going to take too much time and I may not hear from you for a long while.  Whatever. Then send me a card on Christmas. Don't just disappear.

It's just mean. Don't be mean.  Be nice.

Loving the Imperfections

I know I'm not one to want to turn my blog into a spiritual blog (though a long time ago I used to have a devotional blog where I liked to express spiritual thoughts.)  But, this sentiment is such a powerful one I had to just take a moment and let it sort of soak right through me. It seems such a simple and powerful statement that it had to be shared.

I think there are times in our human relationships where we have to be reminded of our own weakness to really truly understand just how much God loves us.  To be reminded of his infinite and boundless love, and our contrasting finite love.  That in fact the only way to thrive is to accept both our imperfection and his perfection at the same time.

By accepting, I don't mean beating ourselves up either.  We are often our own worst critics, so it's easy to get stuck in that loop of dwelling on all of our negatives, when God knows we are like this and loves us anyway.  In fact, he knew the mistakes we were going to make before we made them, and still loves us.

As much as we would like to be perfectly forgiving, perfectly unflinchingly unaffected by each others idiosyncrasies, it is just not possible.  As much as we would like to immediately achieve true unconditional love, our bodies are hardwired with conditions.  For us, we can only work a lifetime for glimpses and moments of something akin to God's unconditional love.  How perfect is God's love?

Where we look at each other and say, "I love you even though you are xxxx, or have xxxx, or have done...xxxxx."  While that is wonderful, and certainly a good start, God looks at us and says, I love you.  No caveats.  No exceptions.  Just, "I love you."

If only more of the world could be filled with this and less strife.  What a wonderful world that would be.  Until then, we only view it through a glass, darkly.

But what a beautiful glimpse it is, nonetheless.





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It is LML (Love My Life) Monday! Feel free to join the blog hop if you want to share the love.

Things I Would Tell My Twenty-Year-Old Self

After seeing the absolutely delightful blog from Miss Riki, talking about things she would tell her teenage self, I thought it would be only fitting to have a chat with my twenty-year-old self.

To give a little background, scene opens.  It's 1992, and I am fresh off of taking a couple years at my local community college to find out that I am disillusioned with becoming a fine artist, finding that I would be facing a life of abject poverty as an artist and would have to try to pull a good grade out of an art history course that would have tanked my GPA immediately.  So I dropped the course and the major.

With that in mind, I had spent the prior year just taking general ed courses for the sole purpose of attending school somewhere else.  That somewhere else ended up being a small, church-sponsored bible college out of state.  My thought in this is that I could get a degree in Liberal Arts or possibly English, teach somewhere eventually, and get some social interaction that could eventually lead to acquisition of a husband.

However, October 17th of 1992 I would be embarking on my first semester and life was not a bowl of cherries.  More like the pits.  I had an insufferable roommate who was anal-retentive level tidy, whereas I have always been chaotic.  My moderate dyslexia has made it nearly impossible to consistently lay out a routine for organizing my things, so periodically I will naturally misplace generally every item that is important to me.  I was struggling to fit in within a dorm of very different, rebellious, spoiled girls and the girl that slept in the bed next to mine was as opposite as one could get.

It was depressing.

I also had constant lies and manipulations from a girl who would try at every turn to sour my friendship with her male friend and make me look like a psycho-stalker to try to kill interest amongst any other males on campus.  In other words, it was a social scorched earth campaign.

On top of this I was floundering in my bible classes, under a very oppressive grading system that had been implemented to supposedly inspire us to greater things (because according to the college president we were slackers and didn't deserve to be there--his words.)

Depression, exhaustion, and homesickness were all setting in on this October 17th.

As I step into my wormhole/time machine, I'm taking a stroll and going to find my younger self, sit down in the dining hall, and have a meal.  I am disguised so as not do too much to disrupt the space-time continuum, because otherwise, all I will do is create another parallel universe for myself where I do things drastically differently.  And how will that help, really?

I don't need that much of a disguise. I'm older and much heavier, so I'll don a hat, large semi-dark glasses so as to not be recognized.  I will pose as an upper classmen. As I sit with myself and other student friends, I'll wait until they have left, and ask to chat a few minutes about the experiences here.

As my true identity is revealed to me, I will carefully choose my advice as follows.

1) Enjoy your body.  I know that's a weird thing to say to a total stranger, but really you think you're too heavy now and you're just right.  In fact, you're in pretty darn good shape.  Appreciate this fact and savor it, because the older you get the harder it will be to come back to.  And likely, you will be ready to sell your right arm at my age for the chance to be a size 12/14 again.

And also along that same vein--even though your glasses are a little big and your hair is still frizzy, people fall in love with your hair.  No seriously, they love your hair.  And they won't tell you how much they love your hair until years later when they reveal that they bemoan every time you get a haircut.

Even with short hair you'll look adorable and they don't have to care for your hair, so don't worry about it.  Wear your gorgeous hair with pride.  It'll be beautiful at every length.

2) Enjoy this time in your life. Whenever you look back on this, despite this being a really tough year for you, things are about to get significantly better.  This tragic and pitiful fool that is making your life miserable will soon be departing, so don't let her sully your memories of a beautiful friendship.  And your male friend that you have a crush on, it's perfectly okay.  You'll remain good friends and he won't think you're a psycho despite her best efforts.  In fact, he will encourage you to let the real you be seen more often.

3) Don't be afraid to become the person you're meant to be.  Girl, you are meant to be loud and audacious sometimes. Don't be afraid of that! Flirt, be loud, be funny, and don't be afraid to be yourself even though you are very different from those around you. Really, different is good, and you are making friends right now that will appreciate those differences in every way. Even though some will argue that "She's got a great personality" is a way to say you're not pretty, it actually is a huge complement.  When other people are left with only their looks and a sucky personality, you'll be totally set.  Looks come and go, but a passionate and loving soul lasts forever.

Honestly, one day you will find that you are the life of the party and you won't understand how in the world that happened when in these days you were an outcast.

4) Pay attention to the shy guys.  Some of them will be your friends forever, and some will be there and gone again, but the ones that again have a great personality will be the ones that stick with you always. Not only that, but they will help you make memories that you will treasure always.

In fact, you will long after miss the social life you had at this time, so cherish every date even when it's just a few.  There will come a day when you have a really tough time getting dates and memories will sustain you.  I know...buzzkill right?

5) Being single isn't all bad.  Just know that while marriage has many advantages, and while some stupid people under the guise of helping will try to say that you have to be in a certain place spiritually before God will allow you to marry, it's all poppycock. It's life. Some people are lucky and/or blessed to get married much younger.  Some are not.  They will struggle with relationship issues, dirty diapers, and a host of things that come with being married that you will not.  You will struggle with being lonely and feeling unworthy, but you've dealt with that devil all your life.  So don't worry about it.

If it happens it happens, and if it doesn't it doesn't. We all have our crosses to bear. What's important is to enjoy these moments and these relationships now and not worry about future romances or lack thereof.

But what you should know, is that marriage doesn't equal spiritual superiority by any means.  It means they took a chance on love that panned out, and were smart enough to get legal paperwork to make separation of their property a little easier to legally sort should everything go south.  So don't go kicking yourself around because you aren't married and having kids at the same time everyone else is.  There is no contractual obligation for life to provide you with lifelong love and children, and having none of these things doesn't make you less of a person.  So don't ever let anyone tell you different.  Just find happiness in other endeavors and let the chips fall where they may.

6) Your dreams will change--and that's not a bad thing. Every time you make a career decision that seems like a solid plan, life and circumstance will tell you different.  So your response should be to just go with it.  You will have opportunities come up and things that you never expected to be doing that you will do because it utilizes your skills. In fact, be completely open to utilizing your skills in new and exciting ways.  Don't feel guilty for exploring different means of using your skills.  These can lead to all sorts of possibilities even when life seems to have presented you with all sorts of unexpected dead ends.

As I leave my stunned twenty-year-old self wondering if she should call security on the crackpot 40-year-old that was spinning one hell of a tale, I go back through my distortion in the space-time continuum, and bid my past self adieu, knowing that it is a time that will gladly be left behind but with the knowledge that I gave my past self a little comfort and consolation.

And that future self is perfectly okay with the struggles and rough edges that made her who she is today.

The Element of Surprise

In keeping with my cousin Melissa's blog, and her frequent LML (Love My Life) Monday episodes, today I am keeping positive with the element of surprise.  So I began to think of the ways that surprises have cropped up just in my normal day.

1. I was reminded of my friends who 17 years ago came to me and said they wanted to elope, and wanted me to be a witness.

We were all on religious retreat in Niagara Falls, Canada. My friends were very much in love, and decided that what they really wanted to do was exchange vows and the sooner the better. No one to interfere as she knew family could.  Just people that loved them sharing a beautiful and intimate moment of commitment.

They found a very Irish minister and exchanged vows right there.

It was beautiful! It had been raining and now it was partly cloudy out.  They exchanged vows, and the sun broke through just at the right time in the beautiful botanical gardens.  I borrowed a beautiful dress that served as my bridesmaid's dress from her, and she borrowed a sweater from me. It was a moment and a bond I will always cherish.


2. My friends had their baby today! It came a little early, but their little baby girl was happy to come on her very own schedule.  Not only this, but they were blessed with a beautifully smooth birth of a five pound and ten ounce gorgeous little munchkin. No issues, no hugely long labors.  It was wonderful.

3.  My age.  I turned 40 and I still have a little hiccough saying it.  However, the payoff is when not only do you still get carded, but when a new friend meets you, and your friend tells them how old you are, they think someone is pulling their leg.  No really? Seriously? Sara is 40?  No. Really?

Yeah really. Kind of makes my day that it's that astonishing and that I don't look anywhere close to my real age.

4.  When I surprise someone with my abilities.  I usually mention that I'm an artist, that I like to draw and such but because I'm not one to usually go around bragging about it, it usually gets swept under the rug.  However, as an artist I do look for opportunities in my life to showcase my work.

In this case, I just so happen to be helping out with a film series.  While this next event is more of a research and panel discussion with no film screening, it still is based on the 50th anniversary of the epic film Lawrence of Arabia.  So I decided to contribute some illustrated artwork for it.  Frankly if I had been thinking of it on the last round when Shirley Jones came, I probably would have done something illustrated for the Music Man.  But my work on that happened so quickly that I didn't really have time to think about it.

This time I had been thinking about it since the Music Man, so I prepared an illustration to go on flyers and posters.

I had originally been going for realism, and then my brother pointed out that it would fit better if I gave it a comic book style, so viola!

It came out so good, that my friend and colleague that I was working with asked me who did the illustration.

That would be me.

Actually quite a shock I believe.  He also believes I should attempt a graphic novel, and at some point I may very well do just that.  However, it's such a lengthy process it would take me much more time to do than just writing a novel. But who knows? I obviously have it in me.

So, what surprised you today?

As for me, I'm always looking for the really good surprises and relishing every one.

Finding motivation

There are a number of things on my list of items that I find particularly difficult to motivate myself to do.

Chores fall into this category.  Laundry and cleaning are incredibly unmotivating when it's unseasonably hot outside.

But as a new year and a new decade of my life open up, I am often struck by how hard it is to get motivated to do things that will give me more energy and better motivation.

One of the biggest universal chores that my friends and I find it hard to motivate ourselves to do is exercise.  I say chore, and some of those who always had fun, athletic, bramble about the field childhoods don't know what I'm talking about.  While I didn't grow up drastically overweight, I did grow up clumsy.  I had flat feet that required orthotics and was moderately dyslexic.  This made all team sports the bane of my existence.

In junior high I sprained my ankles eight times in two years.

I sprained my hand doing shot put.

I dislocated my shoulder when I tripped on the sidewalk on the way home from art class in college.

I've had whiplash and hurt my low back lifting something too heavy at work.

I tore a piece of cartilage in my right knee in 2000 during a move.

In sum: I'm a mess.

So exercise always makes me weary, for I know that bad outcomes loom large. One wrong move, and I'm out of it.  Add allergies to the mix and I'm likely to have multiple coughing fits.

However, I now have two of my closest friends and I creating a support group.  Normally I hate recording my exercise, but for each other we now have a goal.  A movie or a light lunch or some treat at the end for a winner and as a trophy none other than the patron saint of lost causes, St. Jude.

We create a chart each month giving ourselves a point each day for the exercise we clock in, even if it's shorter than we would like.  We still did it.  It counts.

While I've never been one to like the whole physically exercising with other people thing (the emptier the gym was the better), there is something very comforting about having friends to share in your collective misery.  You can look at your friend's progress and say, "Okay.  She dragged herself out and did it.  I need to as well."

At the end of the month, we have our own little ceremony. We hand the St. Jude over, do a little acceptance speech, and have a hilarious moment in a restaurant.

Even though I haven't lost a ton of weight yet, and even though I've slacked off a few times, I find it much easier to get back to it, knowing that I've got others waiting to see my progress.  To cheer me on, and likewise I can cheer them on.

So really, it's not about magic formulas, or particular websites.  It's what works for you, drives you on, and keeps you motivated.

So whatever you are dragging your feet on tonight, know that it just takes a little help from your friends. A little motivation can go a long way.

A New Era

Fall usually ushers in our love for scarves, hats, and crunching leaves. For me it always ushers in that sense of renewal.

While I could go into the many reasons why fall is the season of choice for me, one big and quite fantastic reason is that the last day of September is the illustrious day of my nativity.

Enjoying my birthday with a  Guinness.
 "They come in pints??!!"

This year's celebration of my birth marked a rather grand passing from one decade into the next.  Now I get to check out and try to prove correct the adage that 40 is the new 30.  I'll just have to see about that. What I do know is that just a couple days prior I was carded, did my little happy dance, and was given the "No way!" reaction when she looked at my I.D. and I told her I was about to turn 40.

And frankly, my last week of being 30-something was perhaps one of the most interesting yet and has absolutely added perhaps the most spectacular LML (Love My Life) blog entry yet. While I have yet to find a teaching position that works for me, that I would be qualified for, I realized that my roll-with-it mentality doesn't confine me to that particular job pursuit.  As some other doors have been opening up that, granted, don't make me large amounts of cash quickly, they seem to indicate what could possibly be a plausible career direction.

Case in point: Film Series Planning.

A good friend of mine is a professor at my grad school Alma Mater and was kind enough to offer me the job of helping him plan a film series.  This has proven to me that I am pretty darn good at publicity, public relations, planning events, and may possibly lead to an income doing grant writing for various non-profits. I love the idea of finding funding for worthy causes and utilizing my writing skills for making a difference!

As part of a discussion of the various mythologies of Greek and Early American Literature, my good professor friend has a fantastic way of including pop culture in ways that are different and creative.  The first in the film series was Meredith Willson's The Music Man starring Robert Preston and Shirley Jones.  I spent a good chunk of hours helping publicize and negotiate between departments, draw up a personal appearance contract, and schedule with talent management the appearance of Shirley Jones.

Sara's Shirley Jones Nirvana

In the end, I got to sit back and watch The Music Man on a large screen, and listen to Shirley Jones answer questions about the making of this classic film.  It was fantastic!

Having such moments at the end of my thirties has thrown down a gauntlet for my forties. What could top this? Why, just watch and see.

Ushering in my new era this way makes me all the more convinced that I have amazing things yet ahead of me in my life.














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And to usher in this inaugural era of life, I'm joining the Ultimate Blog Challenge again.  This time, hopefully I will succeed!

Since I mentioned LML--> Blog Hop

Things that help me LML

Okay, so I might not ever jump like this.  With general joint pain and other body inflammation issues, it stands to reason that this is nearly impossible.

However, there are days when my insides like to do this, and today is one of those days.

My cousin started her own campaign to LML (Love My Life) as opposed to the FML people often post on Twitter and Facebook often expressing petty displeasure at some problem most would describe as a "First World Problem."  And by First World, we mean problems that only occur as petty inconveniences as opposed to third world problems like sheer survival not delays in our Amazon.com box delivery.

Today, I would indeed like to celebrate a few things that help me LML just a little more.

1) I sold my first two used items on Amazon.  I frankly wish all sales website were put together that easily.  I would definitely sell EVERYTHING I would like to sell through Amazon.  It's just that good.  I was able to publish the shipping label and purchase postage all from my computer and at a slight discount.

2) I received pain relieving cream.  It's called Penetrex and helps about 18 different issues.  It is supposed to take a few days to really kick in, but I'm already feeling some benefit and I don't need to feel like a social pariah because the stuff doesn't stink or make me smell like either a giant Wint-O-Green Lifesaver or a Menthol Cough Drop.

3) I also received a trackpad that I purchased.  After noticing that I didn't feel as much hand pain working on my laptop as I did with my mouse, I realized much of that was due to the trackpad.  So now I have a wireless Logitec Touch Pad and it's awesome.

So yeah.  Life was just made a little sweeter.  And it definitely is an LML day.