Breaking the silence about pain

I have many family members and friends, but the truth is that there is just a fairly small circle of people that I started letting in on my secret a few months ago. Unless of course you have seen me often in person, in which case you know what has been happening at least a little bit. You and I both knew that something wasn't right.

It started back around 2011 actually, when I think back. I had over the years started being able to do a little less energy-wise even back at my graphic design job in 2006. It just seemed like I was always warn out at the end, especially considered increasing stress from a supervisor that was steering me away from what I was good at into taking care of all of the departmental leftovers that nobody wanted. So when I quit that job and went back to school I experienced a certain amount of upswing. By 2011, I was finishing my thesis to wrap up grad school, had that deadline followed by having to help clear out my grandmother's house to sell it, and two weeks later move ourselves.

By the end of 2011 my health crashed. I spent a few months fighting off illness. But even throughout 2012 and well into 2013, I couldn't possibly think of getting gainful full-time employment. I had a friend who gave me some work, but even the part-time work was exhausting me.

I started progressively dragging. I had gained much more weight than I had liked over time. I was increasingly sluggish and my attempts to increase my physical activity seemed to always end in disaster after a couple of weeks. I would have shoulder pain, knee pain, and/or ankle pain. The benefits a person should see from increased physical activity would never fully materialize.

At the same time we were facing a possible move to another part of the state, so I couldn't get a job full-time and juggle house hunting. So, in the mind of my family, I was sort of employed by them as personal house hunter.  That took several trips, multiple rounds of disappointment, but ultimately it turned out for the best. We didn't need to move up north after all, which was good because we were having a hell of a time trying to find a place that was both affordable and worth moving that far.

By the time 2014 rolled around, something changed. I started trying more fervently to lose some weight and possibly get my health back so that I could start trying to work at least part-time.  Instead, while eating better made me feel psychologically better and was benefiting other members of my family, the improved food life was not changing the fact that I had started developing swollen finger joints, and all of the roving pain I experienced when trying to exercise was just getting worse. And I started feeling tired. And more tired. And even more fatigued. And then I had a cold that thoroughly kicked me, we moved to another house, and my pain was so bad that I could hardly move. I had a gorgeous upstairs bedroom that I had to creep slowly up the stairs to every night. I would wake up every couple of hours, and have an incredibly hard time just making it to my bathroom. I finally needed a cane just to get there because both knees hurt, but my right knee was really bad. Hobbling there was the only option.

Again, I tried changing my diet, finding that there were some foods that certainly made my situation worse. I had gotten acupuncture which helped my knees get more functionality back.  But nothing solved my fatigue, my swollen joints. my incredibly pain-filled hands, or the way that I could just never find a normal. Never find a day without pain anymore.

So I finally went to the doctor. Being out of work meant that I really didn't have financial means unless I put even more financial burden on my family. But after a verbal consultation with my family doctor, he recommended I go ahead and file paperwork and get on state funded healthcare. So I did.

So after all these months and a full blood panel I now have medication and answers. I have Rheumatoid Arthritis and Hypothyroidism. While I am now about the same as I have been for weeks, I am not doing any worse. I am on medications that should start helping in a few weeks.

Everyone in my family knows now what my official diagnosis is. My illness has a name. I can admit now that I need more assistance opening everything, have someone else cut things for me because I can't operate a knife without hurting my hands. I can get special tools to assist me because I know this isn't some transient moment, but something I'm likely going to be dealing with for the rest of my life. I don't have to feel guilty because I can't hang out with friends because my pain is too bad, or I'm too tired and need a nap.

I don't even have any objections from my family because I want to cut my hair really short and make it easier to actually wash and dry, and not have to have my shoulder, wrist, and hand scream at me while I try to get my hair dry and styled. Everyone really understands that I have to do these things for me whether anyone else thinks a short hair style will actually be flattering on me. I have to do what's best. To adapt. To learn how to tackle these new issues.

I have also learned that opening up about your needs can garner new friends and allies. People who you didn't know where also suffering in silence can relate to your problems.

Maybe all of us need to open up a little more often and tell the truth about our pain. Not for pity, or to garner attention to ourselves, or to ask for crazy home remedies, but to bolster each other. To understand that many of us are suffering with chronic illness in silence unnecessarily.

Sometimes we just need to know that others understand without judgment or pity.

The Fade Out

Having dated enough people, and being the age that I am, I have become accustomed to having seriously low expectations going into any date.  In fact, meeting anyone even casually I have learned to have really no expectations in the beginning.  Why? Because having too high of hopes has come to mean serial disappointment.

However, having low expectations going into many situations has provided me with many a happy payoff. Example? Going to a cheap movie.  If I have any doubts about a movie's quality, I can merely wait until it hits the discount theater.  Then it's a very low risk proposition.  Most times I'm going to at least enjoy $4 worth of movie and the company of a friend or family member. The only exception would be the steaming pile that was Drive that was so gruesome I couldn't sit through it, at which point my friend of mine and I walked out of the theater.

So frankly, I'm not willing to go all-in unless I feel it is a solid investment. This applies emotionally as well.  The males of the human race have disappointed me so many times, that my expectations are way low.  I do expect you to treat me well, but frankly I don't have much hope of you sticking around. So far you have a really poor track record, guys.

In fact I was introduced to someone over the phone. I have since then had close to two months of phone conversations, where it seemed like our conversation was nice and I might at least get a friend out of the deal, and where a future relationship wasn't totally out of the question due to one or the other of us being married or something.  This was nice! We had much in common including a similar religious background.

Things were putting along nicely. Even for just friendship it was better than other male friendships.

Now two weeks have gone by, and nothing.

Radio silence.

I think I know what this means: the fade out.

One of my grand pet peeves is the fade out.  Except sometimes it's even worse, because it's the drop off the face of the earth.  I had this happen with a pen pal of mine who did send me some sort of cryptic email about not being around much in the future, things were happening, but know what good friends we were.

Um, okay.  I guess it was his way of trying to be polite and say that he had no interest in even being friends with me anymore.  Why? Who the heck knows.  But now I've got a couple years worth of emails, memories of fun phone calls, a handful of nice gifts (that were frankly better than any romantic suitor ever gave me) and me left with more emotional baggage to unpack.

After a while I start to feel like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day living the same date over and over, but getting slapped earlier and earlier.

It starts to make me wish every date, every friendly encounter could be accompanied by the exit survey.  When leaving a job for a major company, everyone has to go through an exit  interview.  Mine could easily read:

What exactly did you find unsatisfying about this relationship?  Check all that apply:

• Talks about movies I don't like.
• Too intense/hardcore
• Is too disorganized.
• Believes Han shot first.
• I'm intimidated by her artistic talent.
• Television tastes don't line up.
• Excessive use of the phrase, "Seriously?"
• Snorts a little when laughing.
• She hasn't read Green Lantern.
• She likes The Big Bang Theory and refers to them as her kindred spirits.
• Hasn't watched Dr. Who.
• Hasn't watched Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
• Loves Firefly.
• I'm intimidated by her intelligence.
• Knows how to build her own computer.
• Knows the definition of the word "defenestration" and has used it in casual conversation.
• Doesn't call me because she claims she doesn't like to talk on the phone much.
• Laughs too much.  Finds me too funny.
• Likes World of Warcraft and Guild Wars 2 a little too much.
• Snores.
• Doesn't drive.
• Likes buttered popcorn flavored Jelly Bellys. 
• Reads too much Harry Potter, Stephen King, or Dean Koontz.
• Watches too much football.
• Likes to analyze things.
• Is klutzy.
• Hasn't fit into a size 8 since she was about 10 years old.
• Lives in California.
• Likes old movie musicals.
• Blogs about everything.
• Wants to write and publish novels.
• Is allergic to Glade air fresheners. I love Glade.  It just wouldn't work.
• Got a girlfriend and didn't want to tell you.
• I'm married and realized you're a good person who wouldn't do anything dastardly.
• Got bored.
• Scared of liking someone.
• Don't even want to be friends with a girl that I wouldn't want to marry.
• Other_________________________________________________________

It would just be nice if I had a clue.  It seems the more time passes in my life, the less able I am to see anything that would remotely tip me off that he's going to disappear.

Future friends/suitors of America listen up: stop it! Either be there or don't be there, but don't just fall off the edge of the earth and call it a fade out.  Better yet, be friends.  Just friends.  Taper off.  At least claim business at work, or craziness at home, or something that is just going to take too much time and I may not hear from you for a long while.  Whatever. Then send me a card on Christmas. Don't just disappear.

It's just mean. Don't be mean.  Be nice.

Loving the Imperfections

I know I'm not one to want to turn my blog into a spiritual blog (though a long time ago I used to have a devotional blog where I liked to express spiritual thoughts.)  But, this sentiment is such a powerful one I had to just take a moment and let it sort of soak right through me. It seems such a simple and powerful statement that it had to be shared.

I think there are times in our human relationships where we have to be reminded of our own weakness to really truly understand just how much God loves us.  To be reminded of his infinite and boundless love, and our contrasting finite love.  That in fact the only way to thrive is to accept both our imperfection and his perfection at the same time.

By accepting, I don't mean beating ourselves up either.  We are often our own worst critics, so it's easy to get stuck in that loop of dwelling on all of our negatives, when God knows we are like this and loves us anyway.  In fact, he knew the mistakes we were going to make before we made them, and still loves us.

As much as we would like to be perfectly forgiving, perfectly unflinchingly unaffected by each others idiosyncrasies, it is just not possible.  As much as we would like to immediately achieve true unconditional love, our bodies are hardwired with conditions.  For us, we can only work a lifetime for glimpses and moments of something akin to God's unconditional love.  How perfect is God's love?

Where we look at each other and say, "I love you even though you are xxxx, or have xxxx, or have done...xxxxx."  While that is wonderful, and certainly a good start, God looks at us and says, I love you.  No caveats.  No exceptions.  Just, "I love you."

If only more of the world could be filled with this and less strife.  What a wonderful world that would be.  Until then, we only view it through a glass, darkly.

But what a beautiful glimpse it is, nonetheless.





***********************************************************************************






It is LML (Love My Life) Monday! Feel free to join the blog hop if you want to share the love.

Things I Would Tell My Twenty-Year-Old Self

After seeing the absolutely delightful blog from Miss Riki, talking about things she would tell her teenage self, I thought it would be only fitting to have a chat with my twenty-year-old self.

To give a little background, scene opens.  It's 1992, and I am fresh off of taking a couple years at my local community college to find out that I am disillusioned with becoming a fine artist, finding that I would be facing a life of abject poverty as an artist and would have to try to pull a good grade out of an art history course that would have tanked my GPA immediately.  So I dropped the course and the major.

With that in mind, I had spent the prior year just taking general ed courses for the sole purpose of attending school somewhere else.  That somewhere else ended up being a small, church-sponsored bible college out of state.  My thought in this is that I could get a degree in Liberal Arts or possibly English, teach somewhere eventually, and get some social interaction that could eventually lead to acquisition of a husband.

However, October 17th of 1992 I would be embarking on my first semester and life was not a bowl of cherries.  More like the pits.  I had an insufferable roommate who was anal-retentive level tidy, whereas I have always been chaotic.  My moderate dyslexia has made it nearly impossible to consistently lay out a routine for organizing my things, so periodically I will naturally misplace generally every item that is important to me.  I was struggling to fit in within a dorm of very different, rebellious, spoiled girls and the girl that slept in the bed next to mine was as opposite as one could get.

It was depressing.

I also had constant lies and manipulations from a girl who would try at every turn to sour my friendship with her male friend and make me look like a psycho-stalker to try to kill interest amongst any other males on campus.  In other words, it was a social scorched earth campaign.

On top of this I was floundering in my bible classes, under a very oppressive grading system that had been implemented to supposedly inspire us to greater things (because according to the college president we were slackers and didn't deserve to be there--his words.)

Depression, exhaustion, and homesickness were all setting in on this October 17th.

As I step into my wormhole/time machine, I'm taking a stroll and going to find my younger self, sit down in the dining hall, and have a meal.  I am disguised so as not do too much to disrupt the space-time continuum, because otherwise, all I will do is create another parallel universe for myself where I do things drastically differently.  And how will that help, really?

I don't need that much of a disguise. I'm older and much heavier, so I'll don a hat, large semi-dark glasses so as to not be recognized.  I will pose as an upper classmen. As I sit with myself and other student friends, I'll wait until they have left, and ask to chat a few minutes about the experiences here.

As my true identity is revealed to me, I will carefully choose my advice as follows.

1) Enjoy your body.  I know that's a weird thing to say to a total stranger, but really you think you're too heavy now and you're just right.  In fact, you're in pretty darn good shape.  Appreciate this fact and savor it, because the older you get the harder it will be to come back to.  And likely, you will be ready to sell your right arm at my age for the chance to be a size 12/14 again.

And also along that same vein--even though your glasses are a little big and your hair is still frizzy, people fall in love with your hair.  No seriously, they love your hair.  And they won't tell you how much they love your hair until years later when they reveal that they bemoan every time you get a haircut.

Even with short hair you'll look adorable and they don't have to care for your hair, so don't worry about it.  Wear your gorgeous hair with pride.  It'll be beautiful at every length.

2) Enjoy this time in your life. Whenever you look back on this, despite this being a really tough year for you, things are about to get significantly better.  This tragic and pitiful fool that is making your life miserable will soon be departing, so don't let her sully your memories of a beautiful friendship.  And your male friend that you have a crush on, it's perfectly okay.  You'll remain good friends and he won't think you're a psycho despite her best efforts.  In fact, he will encourage you to let the real you be seen more often.

3) Don't be afraid to become the person you're meant to be.  Girl, you are meant to be loud and audacious sometimes. Don't be afraid of that! Flirt, be loud, be funny, and don't be afraid to be yourself even though you are very different from those around you. Really, different is good, and you are making friends right now that will appreciate those differences in every way. Even though some will argue that "She's got a great personality" is a way to say you're not pretty, it actually is a huge complement.  When other people are left with only their looks and a sucky personality, you'll be totally set.  Looks come and go, but a passionate and loving soul lasts forever.

Honestly, one day you will find that you are the life of the party and you won't understand how in the world that happened when in these days you were an outcast.

4) Pay attention to the shy guys.  Some of them will be your friends forever, and some will be there and gone again, but the ones that again have a great personality will be the ones that stick with you always. Not only that, but they will help you make memories that you will treasure always.

In fact, you will long after miss the social life you had at this time, so cherish every date even when it's just a few.  There will come a day when you have a really tough time getting dates and memories will sustain you.  I know...buzzkill right?

5) Being single isn't all bad.  Just know that while marriage has many advantages, and while some stupid people under the guise of helping will try to say that you have to be in a certain place spiritually before God will allow you to marry, it's all poppycock. It's life. Some people are lucky and/or blessed to get married much younger.  Some are not.  They will struggle with relationship issues, dirty diapers, and a host of things that come with being married that you will not.  You will struggle with being lonely and feeling unworthy, but you've dealt with that devil all your life.  So don't worry about it.

If it happens it happens, and if it doesn't it doesn't. We all have our crosses to bear. What's important is to enjoy these moments and these relationships now and not worry about future romances or lack thereof.

But what you should know, is that marriage doesn't equal spiritual superiority by any means.  It means they took a chance on love that panned out, and were smart enough to get legal paperwork to make separation of their property a little easier to legally sort should everything go south.  So don't go kicking yourself around because you aren't married and having kids at the same time everyone else is.  There is no contractual obligation for life to provide you with lifelong love and children, and having none of these things doesn't make you less of a person.  So don't ever let anyone tell you different.  Just find happiness in other endeavors and let the chips fall where they may.

6) Your dreams will change--and that's not a bad thing. Every time you make a career decision that seems like a solid plan, life and circumstance will tell you different.  So your response should be to just go with it.  You will have opportunities come up and things that you never expected to be doing that you will do because it utilizes your skills. In fact, be completely open to utilizing your skills in new and exciting ways.  Don't feel guilty for exploring different means of using your skills.  These can lead to all sorts of possibilities even when life seems to have presented you with all sorts of unexpected dead ends.

As I leave my stunned twenty-year-old self wondering if she should call security on the crackpot 40-year-old that was spinning one hell of a tale, I go back through my distortion in the space-time continuum, and bid my past self adieu, knowing that it is a time that will gladly be left behind but with the knowledge that I gave my past self a little comfort and consolation.

And that future self is perfectly okay with the struggles and rough edges that made her who she is today.

The benefits of sharing

Since pain and pain management have been at the forefront of my mind lately thanks to arthritis symptoms, I have been sharing my pain with others.

One of the great benefits of having friends to share your joys and struggles with, is when you discover books that you can consult to help you better care for yourself.

When one of my closest friends called me last night, he and I shared our mutual joint pain woes and I discovered that this book "Conquering Carpal lTunnel Syndrome" by Sharon Butler had a really good plan to help a number of repetitive motion injuries.

As a writer and artist, my hands are of huge importance.  Lest I figure out a profession that doesn't involve hands at all (and unless it's professional soccer or hackeysack, I have no idea what that could be) I need to figure out ways to better care for my hands than what I've been doing.

We also shared goals of getting involved in more stretching and strength-building for our bodies, and an interest in Tai Chi.

I am always amazed with how friends and family can help you in your goals for health and healing.  What a joy it is to be there for each other!

Sidelined by pain

“Pain is not a sign of weakness, but bearing it alone is a choice to grow weak.” ~Lori Deschene, Tiny Buddha

Sometimes I think we live in the most preposterous society.  Our fierce determination and independence leaves us with the misconception that we must do everything on our own.  


I often believe we go through pain and suffering because we need to learn to rely on others even when it's not something we want.  To be that vulnerable is weakness, we think.  


But pain is a part of being human.  To share it lifts our burden, and to allow others to help us draws us closer together.  But yet we still resist.


I haven't been able to post for a good few days here mainly because I had been sidelined by pain.  Even now as I'm typing, I'm feeling that growing feeling of swelling irritation in my joints that tells me that I cannot do this for long without risking another day of barely being able to hold a glass let alone grip anything.  It is a humbling thing to not be able to simply open a bottle of a favorite beverage, or to rip open a package without assistance.


When you are fairly young, and have to rely on others this way, I believe it grounds you in what is true, and who is most faithful in our lives.


So while I don't wish pain on anyone, I believe it is an inevitability as intrinsic to humanity as joy and love.  Perhaps if we spend less time holding it to our chest, we might be able to let some of it go and come out better for it in the long run.

Things that help me LML

Okay, so I might not ever jump like this.  With general joint pain and other body inflammation issues, it stands to reason that this is nearly impossible.

However, there are days when my insides like to do this, and today is one of those days.

My cousin started her own campaign to LML (Love My Life) as opposed to the FML people often post on Twitter and Facebook often expressing petty displeasure at some problem most would describe as a "First World Problem."  And by First World, we mean problems that only occur as petty inconveniences as opposed to third world problems like sheer survival not delays in our Amazon.com box delivery.

Today, I would indeed like to celebrate a few things that help me LML just a little more.

1) I sold my first two used items on Amazon.  I frankly wish all sales website were put together that easily.  I would definitely sell EVERYTHING I would like to sell through Amazon.  It's just that good.  I was able to publish the shipping label and purchase postage all from my computer and at a slight discount.

2) I received pain relieving cream.  It's called Penetrex and helps about 18 different issues.  It is supposed to take a few days to really kick in, but I'm already feeling some benefit and I don't need to feel like a social pariah because the stuff doesn't stink or make me smell like either a giant Wint-O-Green Lifesaver or a Menthol Cough Drop.

3) I also received a trackpad that I purchased.  After noticing that I didn't feel as much hand pain working on my laptop as I did with my mouse, I realized much of that was due to the trackpad.  So now I have a wireless Logitec Touch Pad and it's awesome.

So yeah.  Life was just made a little sweeter.  And it definitely is an LML day.

Hidden gems

I don't know about you, but I have come to realize that marketing can be huge.  Sometimes the power of say commercials can cause a television network to dump an otherwise successful show, or can doom a movie to be a flop simply in the short clip presentation.

Lately I have become aware of the priceless nature of finding the hidden story.  Lurking out there are stories that someone should be reading, and movies we should be watching because you will walk away feeling happy, enriched, and perhaps even appreciating life a little bit more.

This week, I have encountered two such movies.  The first was "We Bought a Zoo."  My guess is that the people putting the clips together to advertise on television latched on to exactly two plot points:


1) There is a cute little girl.

2) There are zoo animals.

Cute girl + zoo animals = schmaltzy kids movie.

WRONG.  So wrong.



These are NOT the point of the movie.  If I were to give a fair summary, I would say this movie is about reinventing yourself after tragedy.  It is about family.  It is about determination.  It is about hope.  It is not about cute kids and parading animals.

While I personally love superhero movies, things exploding, and spies jumping off of skyscrapers, in a world as tense as ours is these days we need things that keep hope alive.  That celebrate the goodness in people.

Love and determination I believe are themes that we can't dismiss.

And not Hollywood love, either, but demonstrations of loyalty, courage, and generosity.

Which brings me to my second undervalued movie this week, which is "The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel".

What I believe this drama suffered from was an older cast.  What should be an asset, in the eyes of marketing, becomes a hindrance.   While the movie stars what I consider to be some of the best actors over the age of 50 out there, they are all older.  And the movie is about being older, but also about getting out of your comfort zone and living life to the fullest.

However, we've seen with successful television shows like "Harry's Law" that unless it appeals to an audience of 18-49, you don't exist.  Nevermind the fact that baby boomers are over 49 and assuredly financially strapped...so are 18-49 year olds.  We're all a little more cash poor than we were a few years ago.  Money is money.

I really believe that were this film marketed more and better it would have appealed to a wider audience, much like "We Bought a Zoo."  And much like the other movie, theater patrons would have been treated to solid acting, interesting dramatic plot, and a definite feeling of warmth and goodness to carry with you.

Truly there is value in film, much like literature, that leaves its mark on you for days and years afterwards.

Shouldn't we all be striving to take in films that enrich our lives?