Breaking the silence about pain

I have many family members and friends, but the truth is that there is just a fairly small circle of people that I started letting in on my secret a few months ago. Unless of course you have seen me often in person, in which case you know what has been happening at least a little bit. You and I both knew that something wasn't right.

It started back around 2011 actually, when I think back. I had over the years started being able to do a little less energy-wise even back at my graphic design job in 2006. It just seemed like I was always warn out at the end, especially considered increasing stress from a supervisor that was steering me away from what I was good at into taking care of all of the departmental leftovers that nobody wanted. So when I quit that job and went back to school I experienced a certain amount of upswing. By 2011, I was finishing my thesis to wrap up grad school, had that deadline followed by having to help clear out my grandmother's house to sell it, and two weeks later move ourselves.

By the end of 2011 my health crashed. I spent a few months fighting off illness. But even throughout 2012 and well into 2013, I couldn't possibly think of getting gainful full-time employment. I had a friend who gave me some work, but even the part-time work was exhausting me.

I started progressively dragging. I had gained much more weight than I had liked over time. I was increasingly sluggish and my attempts to increase my physical activity seemed to always end in disaster after a couple of weeks. I would have shoulder pain, knee pain, and/or ankle pain. The benefits a person should see from increased physical activity would never fully materialize.

At the same time we were facing a possible move to another part of the state, so I couldn't get a job full-time and juggle house hunting. So, in the mind of my family, I was sort of employed by them as personal house hunter.  That took several trips, multiple rounds of disappointment, but ultimately it turned out for the best. We didn't need to move up north after all, which was good because we were having a hell of a time trying to find a place that was both affordable and worth moving that far.

By the time 2014 rolled around, something changed. I started trying more fervently to lose some weight and possibly get my health back so that I could start trying to work at least part-time.  Instead, while eating better made me feel psychologically better and was benefiting other members of my family, the improved food life was not changing the fact that I had started developing swollen finger joints, and all of the roving pain I experienced when trying to exercise was just getting worse. And I started feeling tired. And more tired. And even more fatigued. And then I had a cold that thoroughly kicked me, we moved to another house, and my pain was so bad that I could hardly move. I had a gorgeous upstairs bedroom that I had to creep slowly up the stairs to every night. I would wake up every couple of hours, and have an incredibly hard time just making it to my bathroom. I finally needed a cane just to get there because both knees hurt, but my right knee was really bad. Hobbling there was the only option.

Again, I tried changing my diet, finding that there were some foods that certainly made my situation worse. I had gotten acupuncture which helped my knees get more functionality back.  But nothing solved my fatigue, my swollen joints. my incredibly pain-filled hands, or the way that I could just never find a normal. Never find a day without pain anymore.

So I finally went to the doctor. Being out of work meant that I really didn't have financial means unless I put even more financial burden on my family. But after a verbal consultation with my family doctor, he recommended I go ahead and file paperwork and get on state funded healthcare. So I did.

So after all these months and a full blood panel I now have medication and answers. I have Rheumatoid Arthritis and Hypothyroidism. While I am now about the same as I have been for weeks, I am not doing any worse. I am on medications that should start helping in a few weeks.

Everyone in my family knows now what my official diagnosis is. My illness has a name. I can admit now that I need more assistance opening everything, have someone else cut things for me because I can't operate a knife without hurting my hands. I can get special tools to assist me because I know this isn't some transient moment, but something I'm likely going to be dealing with for the rest of my life. I don't have to feel guilty because I can't hang out with friends because my pain is too bad, or I'm too tired and need a nap.

I don't even have any objections from my family because I want to cut my hair really short and make it easier to actually wash and dry, and not have to have my shoulder, wrist, and hand scream at me while I try to get my hair dry and styled. Everyone really understands that I have to do these things for me whether anyone else thinks a short hair style will actually be flattering on me. I have to do what's best. To adapt. To learn how to tackle these new issues.

I have also learned that opening up about your needs can garner new friends and allies. People who you didn't know where also suffering in silence can relate to your problems.

Maybe all of us need to open up a little more often and tell the truth about our pain. Not for pity, or to garner attention to ourselves, or to ask for crazy home remedies, but to bolster each other. To understand that many of us are suffering with chronic illness in silence unnecessarily.

Sometimes we just need to know that others understand without judgment or pity.

Not exactly fashionable

As I have gotten older, one thing has become very clear to me: I couldn't care less.

Especially when it comes to being comfortable.

While others have been wearing stylish sandals, I wear Birkenstocks.

When other women my age who are obsessing about heels, my knees and back have long since said that heels can only be worn for short periods of time, and definitely not all day long.

Throw me at the mercy of "What Not to Wear", but I don't really care.  It's not that I don't want a mate, it's that I would like to be able to still walk by the time I meet the right person.

It should be no shock then that when looking for a solution for the pain in my hands I was willing to try whatever it took to give me comfort, baby my hands, and restore their ability to function semi-normally while also preventing my arthritis symptoms from going out of control.  So, I purchased arthritis gloves.

Admittedly, I feel a little like a reject from a Madonna video wearing them, and it slows my typing speed, but I still feel some relief from them.  While it also feels a little odd to wear them in summer, they aren't producing sweaty hands, just stimulating the muscles just enough to make my hands happier doing everyday tasks like laundry and embroidery.

At this point, my choices in life seem to be to either look a little dorky sometimes and preserve my body's functionality, or wear fashionable items and ignore my pain.  

Love me.  Love my big sneakers and arthritis gloves.

The benefits of sharing

Since pain and pain management have been at the forefront of my mind lately thanks to arthritis symptoms, I have been sharing my pain with others.

One of the great benefits of having friends to share your joys and struggles with, is when you discover books that you can consult to help you better care for yourself.

When one of my closest friends called me last night, he and I shared our mutual joint pain woes and I discovered that this book "Conquering Carpal lTunnel Syndrome" by Sharon Butler had a really good plan to help a number of repetitive motion injuries.

As a writer and artist, my hands are of huge importance.  Lest I figure out a profession that doesn't involve hands at all (and unless it's professional soccer or hackeysack, I have no idea what that could be) I need to figure out ways to better care for my hands than what I've been doing.

We also shared goals of getting involved in more stretching and strength-building for our bodies, and an interest in Tai Chi.

I am always amazed with how friends and family can help you in your goals for health and healing.  What a joy it is to be there for each other!

Sidelined by pain

“Pain is not a sign of weakness, but bearing it alone is a choice to grow weak.” ~Lori Deschene, Tiny Buddha

Sometimes I think we live in the most preposterous society.  Our fierce determination and independence leaves us with the misconception that we must do everything on our own.  


I often believe we go through pain and suffering because we need to learn to rely on others even when it's not something we want.  To be that vulnerable is weakness, we think.  


But pain is a part of being human.  To share it lifts our burden, and to allow others to help us draws us closer together.  But yet we still resist.


I haven't been able to post for a good few days here mainly because I had been sidelined by pain.  Even now as I'm typing, I'm feeling that growing feeling of swelling irritation in my joints that tells me that I cannot do this for long without risking another day of barely being able to hold a glass let alone grip anything.  It is a humbling thing to not be able to simply open a bottle of a favorite beverage, or to rip open a package without assistance.


When you are fairly young, and have to rely on others this way, I believe it grounds you in what is true, and who is most faithful in our lives.


So while I don't wish pain on anyone, I believe it is an inevitability as intrinsic to humanity as joy and love.  Perhaps if we spend less time holding it to our chest, we might be able to let some of it go and come out better for it in the long run.

Things that help me LML

Okay, so I might not ever jump like this.  With general joint pain and other body inflammation issues, it stands to reason that this is nearly impossible.

However, there are days when my insides like to do this, and today is one of those days.

My cousin started her own campaign to LML (Love My Life) as opposed to the FML people often post on Twitter and Facebook often expressing petty displeasure at some problem most would describe as a "First World Problem."  And by First World, we mean problems that only occur as petty inconveniences as opposed to third world problems like sheer survival not delays in our Amazon.com box delivery.

Today, I would indeed like to celebrate a few things that help me LML just a little more.

1) I sold my first two used items on Amazon.  I frankly wish all sales website were put together that easily.  I would definitely sell EVERYTHING I would like to sell through Amazon.  It's just that good.  I was able to publish the shipping label and purchase postage all from my computer and at a slight discount.

2) I received pain relieving cream.  It's called Penetrex and helps about 18 different issues.  It is supposed to take a few days to really kick in, but I'm already feeling some benefit and I don't need to feel like a social pariah because the stuff doesn't stink or make me smell like either a giant Wint-O-Green Lifesaver or a Menthol Cough Drop.

3) I also received a trackpad that I purchased.  After noticing that I didn't feel as much hand pain working on my laptop as I did with my mouse, I realized much of that was due to the trackpad.  So now I have a wireless Logitec Touch Pad and it's awesome.

So yeah.  Life was just made a little sweeter.  And it definitely is an LML day.